The way we were

There are things I used to love to do. I still do love these things, but I used to do them, effortlessly and naturally after work and on the weekends I would turn to something I loved and just do it. Somewhere on the road to middle age though, creating, crafting, puttering and playing got largely replaced with planning, worrying, working and meeting obligations. I'm not sure exactly when that sense of fun was ousted by a sense that everything else must come first, but I am sure that when joy and spontaneity were lost in the process, spinning about what wasn't done yet became my main activity. I'm afraid the lack of fun was a more insidious loss than merely being overworked and over extended can explain. It was a harbinger of a dangerous shift in values--a shift away from gravitating toward a wide world of natural interests to being dragged down into a constant habit of judgment over what I have not yet accomplished. When harsh judgment surrounds everything, it squeezes the breath out of life, and it eventually convinces us we don't deserve to be happy. That's the real midlife crisis. This morning I woke up remembering Sue Bender describing one of the many epiphanies she discovered while living with the Amish, which she described in her book Plain and Simple, "Nothing you are doing is wasted time," she said. The Amish seem so austere, even severe in their rejection of the physical amenities of modern life; but in that simplicity Sue found the joy of being so present in the moments of each day that there was no longer a distinction between fun and work, recreation and obligation. There is joy to be had in every moment when you are simply present for it. Just as no scrap of fabric was wasted and instead found it's way into a beautiful Amish quilt, no time was wasted either, every moment was valued as an important part of the whole, the good and the bad, the hard and the fun. I think Sue was saying that without judgment, every moment matters, so be there and be happy.

I wanted to become a writer at a time when I knew myself better than I do now. Before I got carried away by harsh judgment. I knew that I would never run out of things to write about, because I was always finding a new interest to jump into feet first. Learning about and trying new things was my joy, following the trail of a new-found interest was my passion. I think I instinctively understood that it was part of my nature to be so, and writing was one way to make the most of it. But instead of trusting that insight, I slowly chipped away at my joie de vivre and began to consider spontaneity as a lack of commitment, passion as a lack of seriousness. It's time to trust those initial instincts, to get back to the way we were before life piled up over our heads and shaded out the light that the seeds of new ideas need to grow. Never underestimate the value of fun, nothing you are doing is wasted time.

As a reminder to myself, these are some of the things I love that I haven't done in a long time. I love making things: candles, quilts, jam, pickles, mustard, herbal concoctions, lotions, salves and lipgloss. I love gardening, growing herbs, orchids, heirloom tomatoes and French radishes, I love filling pots on the deck with color and texture and watering them at night while listening to music. I love magazines, sitting on my deck reading, enjoying the view and taking my work outside to do while sitting under a big umbrella. I love playing with my animals, exploring new places with my dogs and horse, hiking, riding and riding my bike. I love long walks, kayaking, fishing, swimming in lakes and sailing. I love the beach, fine hotels, museums, concerts in the park, antiques stores, wine tasting, cooking in season and going out to tea. I love yoga, smiling, meditation and mantram walks. I love being green, being just who I am and being happy. MK