Another thing I can't continue to do if I want change: all or nothing thinking. You said it too and I am often in its grip: if I can't do something as well, as big, as completely, or as perfectly as I want or think I should, I avoid it completely. I never grasped the swiss cheese approach of making small holes in a problem until it is finally solved. Instead I put things off that I don't feel up to until they become completely overwhelming and then berate myself mercilessly for not taking care of business, being more organized, saving money or whatever, until the result is total overwhelm and paralysis. I think it's a side effect of being raised on guilt. So I can continue to be miserable and tell myself it is because of my proclivity for guilt or weakness or lack of a loving upbringing, or I can simply begin to do things differently. Not change completely for the better right this minute, but do SOMETHING differently. Not surprising, my house is a disaster of clutter at the moment. Today I began to chip away at it. Today I am Mr. Clean. When I was little, the Mr. Clean guy on the bottle wore a do rag and big hoop earrings. Now bald is in, but back then I used to love to tie a scarf around my head and take a rag and a bucket of water and Mr. Clean and pretend to be him, happily scouring my way around the house, cleaning the wainscoting in the 1920s San Francisco flat where I grew up. Today I started one small room at a time, the dining room, then the back bathroom, the kitchen floor. Tonight I will edit a couple pages of the website I promised to do but has been overwhelming me, and I will sew a few blocks together for my dad's quilt. Nothing will be "done" but it will be done differently, and at least there will be progress. Already I feel like I can breath. MK
I can feel you breathing. Creating space. Thst is what we do in yoga. We create more space inside. Amy says it often. I heard her at the beginning and use to wonder more space for what? Over the last year the idea has unfolded and now I get it in a visceral way. Hollow and empty ( as I type this I can feel my breath deepen), more space to allow light and breath and nourishment. The word ENOUGH pops up. Conscious breathing and movement, even small doses of them, must declutter the mind - Mr. Clean for the soul. You can design the label for him! The space that opens up allows us to feel how much bigger we are. Bigger than our thoughts, our emotions. We can move on gracefully. Clean and light. MI
ReplyDeleteOh your words helped! I get it, I feel it, I can hear Amy saying "hollow and empty" and I'm breathing even deeper. I've been vaguely thinking about how the breathing and the poses are somehow connected in an important way, and I feel Amy gets it right (even though I am still not adept at accomplishing it) even still, It is the antidote for tight and knotted and strangling. I crave air and space and light. I'm dedicating today to creating that space. MK
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