Two negatives don't make a positive

Some days the negative spin can be relentless. This whole day has been an exercise in just trying to glimpse a positive outlook for a moment at a time. I am officially unemployed. This is not a surprise, and I know it is as much an opportunity as a challenge, but today as it has really sunk in, I am slogging through time in a thick, dark fog. A major retelling of the story is at hand. I have read memoirs of people who have completely reinvented themselves or their lives after far bigger and far more devastating life changes. I get that this is not one of those. Intellectually, of course I know everything works out; but viscerally, today at least, it feels grim. Again, I suppose the lesson is that nothing is all or nothing. I have to remember from minute to minute that embracing the positive takes practice, at least as much practice as I've already devoted to plowing huge crop circles of negative thought patterns. It doesn't have to all be worked out today, it just has to be worked on, worked at, made to work, for today. The trick is to figure out how to shift out of fear into forward, one little step at a time. That's good enough for now. MK

Driving force

     I drove all over the City last weekend, searched for parking for what seemed like hours, parallel parked in heavy traffic, picked my way through hordes of tourists, crossed two bridges, crossed Market Street even, and I only once turned the wrong way down a one-way street…in the Tenderloin…but mostly (whew) I kept my cool. It was a driving triumph. Driving with a car full of people in a busy city for two straight days isn’t something I normally do. Country roads are my usual course; it felt good to challenge the comfort zone--it’s that time-of-life thing again--and I know driving in tough circumstances will get even tougher the less I do it. I suppose it could happen anytime to anyone, but midlife is the classic fulcrum: lean one way and you are in contraction mode, but let go and lean the other direction, and you can swing open on your hinge. I guess we shouldn’t fear the inevitable crossroads, life is physics, it’s the fulcrum that supplies the capability for action.


Crossroads and driving are themes around here. Sam is learning to drive. It’s a major passage of parenting, and I realize we are now teaching him how to leave. I’m trying not to give too much attention to the fact that he shows more enthusiasm for the leaving skills than anything we’ve ever tried to teach him so far. But I can’t help notice the contrast, for Sam, driving isn’t one of life’s fulcrums, it’s not a crossroads, it’s pure trajectory. There’s less than three years to launch and I feel the pressure to teach him everything he needs to know, which I know isn’t possible, or even likely, we learn most of life’s lessons on our own. He’s heading toward 16 and he tells me the truth. My words of wisdom are generally the kiss of death to his psyche. He is, as ever, as much the teacher as the student, passenger and now driver, and like all teenagers, I imagine, as much frustrating as inspiring. I could never explain to him how the juxtaposition of our lives’ paths sharpens the focus of everything for me. How raising someone places you at once in the past, present and future. How in so many ways I see him beginning to make ripples on the pond. He’s starting to live in ever expanding concentric circles. It’s the flow. It’s a beginning of beginnings. It’s as it should be. MK

Every little thing you do

This afternoon when my son and husband asked, what's for dinner tonight, I said, "I don't know, I haven't been to the market yet." They looked confused, and no wonder, this is so different for me, Today, when it comes to dinner at least, we begin anew. I've had a small epiphany that will probably mean very little to anyone else. Usually when it's time to grocery shop, I start nagging and cajoling everyone to help me think of meals. What do you feel like having? What sounds good? Think of something, I'm tapped out! The epiphany came to me on a particularly desperate evening. I've been doing this dinner thing exactly backwards. Instead of trying to conjure up something to cook, how about going to the market and/or the farm stand seeing what looks good, and simply cook that. Cook in season. I know, it's certainly not a new concept, and it's essentially what good cooks, great chefs and health conscious eaters have done all along, but I've only trifled with the idea. I've never abandoned all planning and recipes and lists and simply gone to see what there is to be had. And why not? The thought of entering the grocery store without an ironclad list is a source of great fear and loathing for me. It's such domestic drudgery constantly having to shop for food, put the food away, cook the food, clean up after the food and plan the next episode of food. Ack! Going at it without a solid plan may lead to aimless, brain dead wandering in a giant store with an overwhelming array of choices--just more time wasted on the food. No wonder the joy has gone out of cooking. But what if it wasn't like that? That's the question I'm always asking these days. How could it (or anything) be different. Hardship or delight? Ordeal or adventure? It's a choice. In the midst of contemplating this change of perspective, Mary Ann called and told me about two recent trips she made to her farmers market. The first she undertook in a hassle-haired, beset frame of mind and ended up scouring through the stands, clutching her bag in folded arms, reticent and just unable to interact with the vendors for whatever reason that day. Needless to say, it was a bust. The next time though, she purposely set out with an open and inquisitive intent and, poof, the drudgery was transformed to delight. What had been a challenging chore, this time turned into a rich and enjoyable experience. So tonight, I shopped for food as though it was a fun escapade. No preconceived notions, no angst, no list. The colors, textures and aromas in my market basket were beautiful: bright green organic broccoli, yellow and white bicolor corn, orange, red and yellow mini peppers, a fragrant Dulcinea melon, smooth little yukon golds, and a deep cassis-colored local zinfandel.The epiphany is really this: there isn't enough life left to waste it resenting our daily repetitive tasks. Bon Appetite! MK

Go with the flow...

Star like water flowing - artwork by Alicia Austin
My Brezny's astrology comes to me via email every week. Today I realized how much it actually grounds me. Something about getting this email that makes me stop, read, relax and enjoy. This is so, even in the most hectic of weeks. What is it about this weekly mini-ritual that works? The surprise factor, the fact that his horoscopes have some sort of lesson. This week it is about going with the flow but he asks which flow and tells me he thinks the flow I need to go with is deep underground away from all the madness and noise. Not the flow of the childhood upbringing or the flow of other's expectations. It really made sense to me at a time when I am searching for a place all my own, my rhythm, my way. Yoga is in a way that rhythm for me. I am going with that flow...

What comes first, the happiness or the haircut?

Lately, my non-blog writing has focused on my current and particular sense of place. My place for the past 24 years has been wine country. Well, the other wine country actually. Sonoma County: less than 50 miles from the Golden Gate Bridge and home to vineyards, beaches, the Russian River, dairies, old hippies, farmers, horses, historic houses, young urban refugees, geodesic domes and some of the most beautiful views on the planet. Some days it seems that around every corner is a postcard view of an impressionist’s vineyard or a Currier and Ives farm scene.

But really, it’s the people who make a place. Recently I’ve been collecting impressions of the characters who populate our local scene. It’s helped me realize how at-home I feel here. I recognize people everywhere I go in this not-so-big town. Some of them I really know as great friends, some are longtime acquaintances and others are just people who regularly share the same haunts. This, I am happy to say, is the kind of place where people nod and smile as they pass just because we recognize each other, even though we’ve never met. I can’t think of how long it took to feel this way, this connected to this place, but I know it took a long while. For years I went to work, came home, found something interesting to do on the weekends, but never really felt at home anywhere. Then there were the sleep-deprived years of raising a child when some days I was lucky to remember where I was headed, let alone what I meant to do when I got there or whom I had passed along the way. Maybe it’s just age or familiarity that makes me look around now and appreciate everything and everyone around me so much more, or maybe it’s just a change in perspective. I hope it’s not a sign of early onset dementia or some crazy middle-aged potentially purple hat-wearing syndrome, but lately, I am more and more willing to greet the day with childish enthusiasm. Along with that shift has come this new appreciation and even compassion for “my people.”

Last week it was the guy at the grocery store. He’s a bagger and though I sometimes see him several times a week, I’m embarrassed to say, I can’t remember his name. I’ve always kind of wondered what his story might be. He seems a little too old to be a bagger, but maybe he’s not old at all and is just aged by a hard life or hard living. He’s friendly enough, he’ll always chat some, but then always be a little furtive, looking down or away before you can look back directly or meet his eyes. He doesn’t smile much, and when he does you can tell his teeth aren’t so good. He looks nice, but there’s a definite hard edge to him and a couple of tattoos showing a bit below his shirtsleeve. One day early last week I was in his line and I noticed he was smiling way more than usual. Then while he was bagging my stuff, three separate people who worked at the store commented on his haircut. They were right, it was a great haircut. He looked different--younger, happier. I had bought the huge, heavy bags of salt for the water softener, so he helped me to the car. He made conversation easily and the air around him just felt lighter. I drove off thinking, wow, that really is a great haircut. Then two days later I was back at the store for something and he was outside taking a break. I’d seen him take a smoke break around the side of the store before, but this time he wasn’t smoking, he was out front on the bench and he was talking to a nice looking young woman. They were flirting, and he looked confident and very sweet as he talked a bit and listened and returned her gaze with a soft smile. I dilly-dallied getting my cart so I could watch them a few seconds longer. Then I wondered what had come first, the haircut or the girl, the confidence or the happiness. I really don’t even know him, but I felt as proud and happy for him as I might after seeing one of my son’s life-long friends reach a milestone of some kind, and I was grateful for the extra joy this relative stranger brought to the day. MK

Off to Tahoe

Back to blogging on Monday. MK

Me in Tuscany

The making of the Just Is box has been a very revealing exercise. Sometimes, I swear, I am such a negative noodge. Stick a piece of paper in the box already, how hard can it be? Pretty tough apparently, since I couldn't seem to do it without experiencing a silent avalanche of negative thoughts with each submission. Impossible. Never happen. Who are you kidding? I couldn't even put a picture of the Tuscan countryside in the damn box. let alone really envision myself there popping a hot grape into my mouth while wandering through Cortona on market day. Some stories are harder to rewrite than others.

The making of the box went rather well, actually. I found a suitable box with little trouble and some pretty paper for decoration in the scrapbooking supplies . There wasn't enough paper to cover the box, but I impressed myself with a creative design that used what I had at hand to accomplish a pretty result. As usual, all smiles at the beginning. Then the trouble started. At first I couldn't think of anything to put in the box. But that's crazy, surely there are things I want to manifest in my life. I sat for a full five minutes blankly staring at the empty box. It was disturbing. Like when you're a kid in summer and have two months of freedom still stretching ahead and can't think of anything else you want to do, only this was way worse, It felt like rigor mortis had set in to that part of my brain responsible for thinking up the things I want to do in life, Then gradually, tentatively, thoughts began to emerge. Travel. Writing goals. An antique farmhouse table. The usual kinds of desires,nothing big, but boy already I could hear myself doubting. Just thinking of where I could find a relevant image to put in the box set me off on a litany of reasons why that little idea would never fly. You don't really believe you can do/have/accomplish any of these things do you. Well, do you? For God's sake it's just pictures in a box, snap out of it! Then, the Just Is box started to work its magic. With each addition to the box I faced my belief in what is possible, and the fact that deep down, I do still believe that anything can happen--what a relief! So in went Tuscany and Provence, but remember, no censoring the vision, so the next thing I knew, in went Africa! Out went dread and fear and in rushed optimism, anticipation, fun, and an openness to dreaming about the world again unfettered by disbelief.

Thank you Jenny for my Just Is box. I can't wait to see how it evolves. I suspect things will happen like they did to Frances Mayes in Under the Tuscan Sun. Early on, depressed, alone and rudderless she questions why the heck she bought a house for a life she doesn't even have. What if there are never people to sleep in those rooms or anyone to cook for in that kitchen. Her friend tells her how the people of Italy built a train track over the Alps to connect Vienna and Venice long before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. In the end, Frances realizes she's gotten everything she asked for, though it has all come about in unconventional and unimaginable ways. I know that will be me in Tuscany...the things that are will just be, but how they become we'll have to see! MK

The way we were

There are things I used to love to do. I still do love these things, but I used to do them, effortlessly and naturally after work and on the weekends I would turn to something I loved and just do it. Somewhere on the road to middle age though, creating, crafting, puttering and playing got largely replaced with planning, worrying, working and meeting obligations. I'm not sure exactly when that sense of fun was ousted by a sense that everything else must come first, but I am sure that when joy and spontaneity were lost in the process, spinning about what wasn't done yet became my main activity. I'm afraid the lack of fun was a more insidious loss than merely being overworked and over extended can explain. It was a harbinger of a dangerous shift in values--a shift away from gravitating toward a wide world of natural interests to being dragged down into a constant habit of judgment over what I have not yet accomplished. When harsh judgment surrounds everything, it squeezes the breath out of life, and it eventually convinces us we don't deserve to be happy. That's the real midlife crisis. This morning I woke up remembering Sue Bender describing one of the many epiphanies she discovered while living with the Amish, which she described in her book Plain and Simple, "Nothing you are doing is wasted time," she said. The Amish seem so austere, even severe in their rejection of the physical amenities of modern life; but in that simplicity Sue found the joy of being so present in the moments of each day that there was no longer a distinction between fun and work, recreation and obligation. There is joy to be had in every moment when you are simply present for it. Just as no scrap of fabric was wasted and instead found it's way into a beautiful Amish quilt, no time was wasted either, every moment was valued as an important part of the whole, the good and the bad, the hard and the fun. I think Sue was saying that without judgment, every moment matters, so be there and be happy.

I wanted to become a writer at a time when I knew myself better than I do now. Before I got carried away by harsh judgment. I knew that I would never run out of things to write about, because I was always finding a new interest to jump into feet first. Learning about and trying new things was my joy, following the trail of a new-found interest was my passion. I think I instinctively understood that it was part of my nature to be so, and writing was one way to make the most of it. But instead of trusting that insight, I slowly chipped away at my joie de vivre and began to consider spontaneity as a lack of commitment, passion as a lack of seriousness. It's time to trust those initial instincts, to get back to the way we were before life piled up over our heads and shaded out the light that the seeds of new ideas need to grow. Never underestimate the value of fun, nothing you are doing is wasted time.

As a reminder to myself, these are some of the things I love that I haven't done in a long time. I love making things: candles, quilts, jam, pickles, mustard, herbal concoctions, lotions, salves and lipgloss. I love gardening, growing herbs, orchids, heirloom tomatoes and French radishes, I love filling pots on the deck with color and texture and watering them at night while listening to music. I love magazines, sitting on my deck reading, enjoying the view and taking my work outside to do while sitting under a big umbrella. I love playing with my animals, exploring new places with my dogs and horse, hiking, riding and riding my bike. I love long walks, kayaking, fishing, swimming in lakes and sailing. I love the beach, fine hotels, museums, concerts in the park, antiques stores, wine tasting, cooking in season and going out to tea. I love yoga, smiling, meditation and mantram walks. I love being green, being just who I am and being happy. MK

Sailing take me away...

Off to the lake for the rest of the week. Quintessential effortless action. No goals, just be. MK

X Marks the spot...

Whew! It's been quite the week. A trying one physically since I have been hit hard with allergies. Itchy eyes, headaches and fatigued. Work is beyond busy requiring evenings and Saturday... excellent testing ground for yogic principles ( and Buddhist ones as well -- many similarities in all spiritual disciplines ). This entire week has been one long lesson: the solution is right there in every breath, right where you are, the X marks the spot -- YOU ARE HERE. Effortless action flows from the X. I love the concept, I know how it works and I know that it works. " Let go into the full texture of now ..." says Jon Kabat-Zinn in Wherever You Go There You Are (thanks Marcia). There is something reassuring in trusting this moment. If I stay fully in this moment whether on the mat, extended in triangle pose, or in bed, the moment monkey minds takes over, and just breath it all in I suddenly find that gentle smile on my face and everything softens. Knots loosen, constriction fall away -- no story attached. I love it. The more I lean into this mindfullness the more I trust it. And this is where effortless action takes place. From here I know that I will make the call, write the letter, tackle the meeting. Graceful gliding is how it feels.
Another thing that happened this week is that as I allowed the moment to unfold I started questioning misperceptions. Is this one dinner such an imposition? Isn't this student complaint just one more of many in a day's work, how big a deal is it really? I can see neurosis for neurosis and I stop somehow. Pema Chodron's book highlights this practice of recognizing neurosis, stopping and doing something different. Move, sing, whatever. Suddenly this dumb little tune came to me (la.la.la.la, la... la,la, la, la,la, la,lalaaa....everything that you do, I am so in love with you) and I have been using it to make me stop. It is so funny that it is a built-in reality check. I even used it with Jenny when she was starting to spin... we had a great laugh but we got the point. The best lesson of the week came from my teacher, Juliette. She said, "... grandma, I don't like it when you get mad at one little thing and then you get mad at everything (the last part came with a sweeping circular motion -- highlighting the everything concept). Lesson learned. MI

Don'tcha hate pet peeves?

It occurred to me while sweeping, I think we really should. I was sweeping the front entryway, which is mostly a pleasant activity for me. It usually makes me think of my meditation teacher's grandmother who would sweep the entry to their family home in India every morning while gently singing her mantram. How nice, I would always think, to start the day preparing to receive whatever might come your way. But every day? I don't think I do any cleaning activity EVERY day. And you know, sweeping sometimes hurts my back, and this time it got me thinking about pet peeves. People who don't finish the job, that's a major pet peeve of mine. The guys had been sawing wood out front and made a mess of sawdust. They swept up the sawdust but stopped there. How could they do that? The whole front obviously needed sweeping, it wouldn't have taken that much longer, they swept a clean spot in the middle of a mess and walked away. Then I noticed how really hard sweeping had become. Easwaran's granny really was 8,000 miles away, my back was hurting, and I just kept thinking of that pet peeve of mine, how it makes me so angry when somebody doesn't finish the job. Then I got it--pet peeves are just an excuse to be angry, dang! I hate pet peeves. I stopped. I took 10 deep three-part yoga breaths and began again sweeping and humming the mantram in my mind without pain in my back. The positive vibrations attracted Joey the cat, he has no pet peeves, he just appreciates a job well done. MK

All's right with the world

Sometimes insights come from the most unlikely sources. My front bathroom, for instance. Normally, it really gets me down. It's embarrassing. It is one of the many sad stories of being a contractor's wife. The ceiling has a hole a small pony could fit through that has been "repaired" with duct tape, the flooring is ancient vinyl, and the toilet is so old it can no longer flush itself and needs a large pitcherful of water poured down it every time it's used. We call it the Beverly Hillbillies' bathroom, and "Pa" won't fix it because of the damn-domino-dilemma. The real problem is the fancy lifetime tile roof that wasn't installed properly is 30 years old and now leaks, which causes the hole in the sheetrock ceiling, which cannot be repaired until the roof is replaced, or it will just happen again, and the roof can't be replaced because it is $50,000+. It would be silly to replace the toilet without replacing the flooring, and since the tub and surround also need replacing we really can't do it until we're ready to do the full bathroom remodel, which we probably could afford, but can't do because the hole in the ceiling... because the roof...damn-domino-dilemma. The amount of angst this bathroom has provided me, added to a myriad of other negative thoughts, has sometimes bordered on depression. But the other day, the bathroom made me smile. It turns out that the amount of time the bath water needs to run before it is hot enough for a shower equates exactly to the amount of water needed to fill the large pitcher we have to use to flush the toilet. I love that. I love to see symmetry in action, the beauty of balance makes me feel that all is right with the world. Symmetry is very important to me. It is the beauty of form arising from balanced proportions. It is the property of remaining invariant under certain change. Even in my broken bathroom, there is symmetry. The bathroom isn't really broken, it just works in a different and unique way, and actually that is really okay with me, it's what I want in life. I want a life that works for me, that's true to what is important to me. Truthfully, the only reason I care about the bathroom and the hole and the toilet is because of what someone else might think of it. I've wasted so much happiness worrying about what other people think. It's really time to channel that energy into manifesting an authentic life. Symmetry, authenticity, integrity, all found in the one crazy bathroom. MK

Raising color consciousness

An email newsletter from a quilting company got me thinking about color as an agent for positive change. Here's what Luana Rubin of eQuilter.com had to say."...I believe that if we strip away our expectations and rules, and look at color from our heart, we are drawn to the colors that express the emotions we are feeling, or the emotions we would like to experience. We crave certain colors, the way our bodies crave certain nutrients. Maybe we are not ready to feel a powerful emotion like passion or anger, but we are instinctively drawn to red because it helps us to access that feeling on a deeper level. Maybe we are craving peace but are unable to "let go," so we bring in the colors of tropical waters to soothe us in the meantime." I've never purposely chosen color to change my mood, but I do believe I've been drawn to colors based on mood. Now what I'm thinking is that when we're blue, we really need a little pink, or maybe orange AND pink! I've always been aware of choosing colors to create a peaceful mood around the house, and I have deeply entrenched notions of what colors are "right" for me to wear. I need to get over it! I'm going to practice not going with the mood, but consciously choosing color to brighten my day. I need to branch out, and I definitely need something orange. MK

Not just clean, yoga clean

Still cleaning--spring cleaning--clutter busting, scrubbing on all fours, every nook and cranny kind of cleaning. Have not done this in, well, a really long time. Cleaned all weekend and still going. Late Saturday, working too hard and too late, I succumbed to negative thinking (why am I the only one who cares enough to clean like this, how can we (they) be such pigs, it wouldn't get like this if everyone did more) you know, total negative spinning. It was soooo much harder that way, and the truth is, I'm doing this for me. I am the one who enjoys having things orderly, and I am the one who really needs this right now. Yesterday I was back on track and using cleaning time for positive reflection. So often I resent cleaning and think of it as a waste of my life, but I found that when I let go of that negative spin, my life coach's words popped into my mind, "What if it wasn't like that, what's another perspective," and I realized, cleaning is the perfect time for positive reflection, hours built into every week for focusing thoughts, taking stock, or restoring the mind with the mantram. It's a win/win, not a waste of life. In that way, it's work that can help make happiness happen. Maybe there is a gift in everything we do. With a change in perspective, even cleaning can be an adventure instead of an ordeal. So just to make it fun, I started using yoga poses every chance I got. Scrubbing the kitchen floor on hands and knees I stretched forward mindfully, like in child's pose, rocked back to stretch my lower back when needed, didn't just look up at the clock, came to a full seated twist, both directions, to see what time it was...you get the idea, and it really did make it fun and maybe a little bit more of a workout too. I've done the woodwork, windows, kitchen cabinets, floors, and couch cushions, I've reclaimed, scrubbed and rearranged the deck and reorganized my office and the scrapbooking stuff. I even made my just is box (more on that later) and today I press on with scrubbing stonework in the entryway, more loads of laundry, and reclaiming my bedroom. Looking forward not to just doing but to receiving this cleaning. Yoga cleaning. MK

Extraordinary living...

I woke up this Saturday morning at 6:30 AM to the gong of my alarm clock. Yes, Saturday and I set the alarm clock. Special occasion for the family today -- Argentina plays the first game in the World Cup. The guys ( Chris, Dominic and Dad ) hosted a breakfast event to watch the game. Amazingly enough four non-Argentinian friends showed up. I tried the new cornmeal pancake recipe. Loved them. I watched mostly 20 and 30 somethings mingle with 50 and almost 80 somethings. Very cool. It also occurred to me that I was very present and, had I not been, I would have missed the wonderful connections. Friends getting up early on a weekend to hang out with and to support each other. I saw the joy in my dad's face. He loves having the kids around to share his love of soccer. In fact, Chris had an invitation to a local pub with a much larger group but he said the game would not be the same without "el viejo". Rosie and Juanita showed up as well as Brian. All these family friends add to the moment. Each brings something of themselves to contribute to the event. Jenny and Rosie make me laugh, at times roar. They must do a talk show. My brother's spirit was certainly there, my grandparents and mom too. Over the years our family -- it may be what immigrant families do -- has gathered around soccer games donning the white and blue colors of the Argentinian flag to cheer, coach and quarterback the home team. As I sit here I am taking these positive facts and turning them into positive experiences. This is what is recommended by the authors of the Buddha Brain in order to have a more positive memory bank and a more positive "track" in the brain. I am focusing on the smells, the tastes, the sounds of this morning. I am letting the lovely feeling sink in to my body and I am letting those feelings expand to fill all nooks and crannies of my being. "... like water filling a sponge." This I believe is the way to live an extraordinary life. Imagine the possibilities. MI

Kinda funny little thing...

Money mania...I'm not always aware of what is winding my spring, but the past 10 days I've been very uptight about the fact that the horse board payment is late for the first time. No checks have come in, and we've had to front money for supplies for the job Rick is working on, so I haven't been able to pay Finn's board bill. I keep checking the mailbox and I'm checking email 5 or 6 times a day to see if Sheri is writing to say checks are available. I knew I needed to talk to the ranch owner and let him know when I could pay him but (old M.O.) instead I kept stressing and checking for checks, hoping money would arrive and I could slip a check in the rent box at the barn and not have to deal with it. Well, no checks yet, but our big quarterly check will definitely be here by the end of the month and there's a good chance Rick's client will pay him when he sees him this weekend. Normally I would still wait until after the weekend, stressing, distracted and feeling like a loser for being late. Instead, I was honest with myself this morning. I can't make the clients pay us, but I can do what I think is the right thing and let the barn owner know what's going on. This just is. I picked up the phone and left a message apologizing and explaining when I could pay him. When I hung up, I felt good knowing that I'd done what I thought was right and the best I could do. I wasn't stressed anymore and I was smiling, and for the first time since the first of the month I could think of my horse without a huge cloud of guilt pressing down on me. I started thinking how much I love that horse and I can't wait to see him later today. Right then I heard the plink of an email arriving. I went over to the computer and there was this photo from my friend Teresa taken with her cell phone...she was on the walking trail behind Finn's paddock AT THAT MOMENT and sent me his picture. Kinda funny, huh? MK

Nice and easy...

It was great to see the Mr. Clean this morning. My intention for the weekend is to clean the house and declutter some spots. I need to see stuff shining. I also will work on my financial plan. I have to work on it since finances are in shambles at the moment. But eventhough finances are in shambles I am not spinning about it, not really. Effortless action, the big me knows what needs to be done and when. I see signs of effortless action all around. Case in point, yesterday was a nutty day and I just went with it. I think yoga and the space it creates is really moving ( literally and figuratively) in a very healthy direction. I suddenly got a massive headache around noon so I took off from office to my dad's. I figured getting out for a while would help me clear the head. I grabbed some ibuprofen from the first aid kit and off I went. By this time the headache turned into overall feeling bad. I had an hour and a half before two important meetings. As it turns out I took the pills, laid down on dad's couch and woke up three hours later! Missed the meetings and all kinds of calls. I was really tired! Rather than freaking out as I normally would I decided to stay on the couch the rest of the day. We had a big scholarship award event and I had someone else represent me. That was the best way to handle yesterday. I rested until early evening, picked up Dominic at the airport, came home and went to bed with a cup of tea. Much better today. Nice and easy. Acting in one's own best interest is not a skill that I learned at home... it came to me the hard way. I like it though. It is very self-affirming.

No more all or nothing

Another thing I can't continue to do if I want change: all or nothing thinking. You said it too and I am often in its grip: if I can't do something as well, as big, as completely, or as perfectly as I want or think I should, I avoid it completely. I never grasped the swiss cheese approach of making small holes in a problem until it is finally solved. Instead I put things off that I don't feel up to until they become completely overwhelming and then berate myself mercilessly for not taking care of business, being more organized, saving money or whatever, until the result is total overwhelm and paralysis. I think it's a side effect of being raised on guilt. So I can continue to be miserable and tell myself it is because of my proclivity for guilt or weakness or lack of a loving upbringing, or I can simply begin to do things differently. Not change completely for the better right this minute, but do SOMETHING differently. Not surprising, my house is a disaster of clutter at the moment. Today I began to chip away at it. Today I am Mr. Clean. When I was little, the Mr. Clean guy on the bottle wore a do rag and big hoop earrings. Now bald is in, but back then I used to love to tie a scarf around my head and take a rag and a bucket of water and Mr. Clean and pretend to be him, happily scouring my way around the house, cleaning the wainscoting in the 1920s San Francisco flat where I grew up. Today I started one small room at a time, the dining room, then the back bathroom, the kitchen floor. Tonight I will edit a couple pages of the website I promised to do but has been overwhelming me, and I will sew a few blocks together for my dad's quilt. Nothing will be "done" but it will be done differently, and at least there will be progress. Already I feel like I can breath. MK

Radical Acceptance

These words have been floating on my mind for a few days now. I have been meaning to add the book by Tara Brach to our list but there is some other reason ( and now I come to trust these things) that the words keep coming back. It just finally dawned ( literally at dawn today) on me that radical acceptance is at the heart of the matter. The only way to get on -- and stay on -the right path. The path that allows us to live an extraordinary life in the midst of a crazy world. As I sit with the feelings and sensations of these words I realize that Marcia Larson is one of the most accepting people I know! What this friendship does, among many other things, is provide me with a dose of radical acceptance so much so that the words just floated up to the surface of consciousness. I also feel that lack of radical self acceptance is at the root of so much of our woes. So for today the prescription is to practice radical self-acceptance. No labeling, no judging, no trying to hide, just is -- like the box. I'm a ---- gotta love me! Draw a picture of that and enjoy!

Misty morning walk

I'm walking. My life coach has been trying to get me to walk to my appointments ever since she moved in about a mile away. This morning I did it! (that's the new thing for today) It's a challenging walk for me. I did it one day last week and it was hard, but today it was much easier. It is uphill one direction, two miles round trip, and my muscles are sore from yoga, but I feel great! Took pics on the way home with my cell phone, which made it all the more enjoyable. Also I went to Weight Watchers yesterday. My life coach is also my weight watcher leader, and I haven't been losing the past few weeks. Feeling so stressed and dealing with so much with my dad, my mom, money etc. I was pretty happy just not to be gaining, but that's not where I want to be. I want to be a loser! I told Janet about our blog project and our community of two working on replacing the negative thoughts and actions with positive. She helped me see that when it comes to food, not thinking about it is actually a negative thought for me, she's right. Replacing the negative with positive for me means changing my relationship to 1) my mom, 2) food, and 3) money. The shift with food is my focus right now. It's clearly a negative when I use it to replace feeling feelings and just blank out and eat, but now I see it is also a negative not to embrace it as the positive nourishment I need to accomplish the life I want. Again, it comes back to being in my body and fully present. MK

Just is...

Jenny came to me with her latest project, her just is box. She explained that in reading Keys to the Law of Attraction by Canfield there is a suggested project to keep you focused on what you want to manifest in your life ( as opposed to what you don't want ). The idea is to have a box where you keep pictures or icons of the things you want in your life -- you put them in the box and then they just are -- you assume things are so. For example, the book recommends that you write a check to yourself if you need or want a certain amount of money and you drop the check in the box - presto it just is. Assumed a done deal.

I loved the idea and jumped on it. I used an old box I had ( but I love the box in the photo and this has inspired me to make a new box; I can't wait ). I cut out magazine pictures, wrote checks, took bills and wrote "paid" across them, etc. It was a lot of fun. It also worked rather quickly. I have been looking for a yoga teacher training program for some time so I found some great pictures and the words TEACH YOGA in an article in Yoga Journal so I cut those out and into the box they went. Amazingly enough I found the right training, close to home offered at the right time for the right price. I signed up! I am learning to trust it and I am testing my ability to stay positive even when I normally would revert to monkey-mind- nightmare- on- havenwood-circle mode. I have to say that I actually smile and say to myself -- just is -- every time I walk by the box. Once a week or so I go through the contents just to stay on the right wave length. Let's see how I manage to stay on track. Effortless action comes to mind again and again. Simple, right? MI

Start where you are

My theme for the day. I so want to incorporate yoga and other forms of exercise into my daily routine, but sometimes it feels so hard, I feel stuck. So baby steps, I say, but a little judging voice is often in the background belittling me for getting this far out of shape, for letting fear and weakness grip me in so many ways. Enough. I realized this morning, yes, in some things I am at or back at the baby steps stage, but in many other things I have already made giant leaps. Look forward, not back, and that is the direction you'll go. When you ride a horse well, you always lead them with your intention first, and then give them a physical cue. If you want the horse to turn right, you sit up with calm but directed energy, shoulders down and relaxed, looking through their ears, moving your energy into your intention and think, "right." Often the intention and that shift in energy is all that it takes to make it happen, no wonder, since the horse's native language is body language. Today I started the day with Amy's level 1 DVD. Starting first thing, before breakfast, before tea was new for me. I did the whole thing and practiced not judging, whenever something was difficult, or I just hadn't mastered how to do it correctly I'd hear that faint critical voice looming, but each time I heard it, I practiced bringing my attention to what I can do instead and tried finding my pose, and finding joy in the thought of how far I can go from here. Amy shares so much wisdom in that 1 hour and 15 minutes. I know I will continue to learn from just this one tape for a long time. I felt the words dropping like pearls in a pond, I was truly present for much of it, and observant and aware when my mind tried to wander. It was wonderful. At first I noticed that I could not naturally rest and receive with my palms facing open, but as we moved through the breathing and poses I opened up and realized my palms were then naturally falling open without effort. I'm moving through my day now, much more as I would like. I was aware of being hungry and what I was hungry for. I fed myself with intention. I feel balanced and grounded in my body and aware of what it needs (a lovely cup of tea at the moment) and I am giving myself what I need with love and gratitude for where I am now. It's a start. I received many small revelations in my practice today, and one big one that has really landed, "My beloved child, break your heart no longer. Each time you judge yourself, you break your own heart." It's a really good start. MK

Brand new day

Here we go -- the beginning of a new way. Eventually is here and we are on board at last. Hopefully, yoga nidra was a good start for you. I started out by rolling out the mat, moved on to some light stretches. It felt so good to let my body move for even 15 minutes. I also did the mantra and chanting meditation - the short version and walked for 30 minutes. All before 7:30 AM! This was my effort to quiet the monkey mind and redirect. Learn we must. It worked. One day at a time. Persevere.
It also worked to wait to have that conversation with the lady at work. It went extremely well. No entanglement. She even said -- "that was easy." I suspect she was ready for battle. Effortless action is the way to go.
Let's go for another day of sanity. Someday soon we will be those people, the calm to the core ones.MI

Rejecting worry

Woke up spinning, there's got to be a better way. I'm starting the day with Amy's Yoga Nidra. That's the new thing for the day. I want to be mindful and in my body, and as for the practice for today: whenever a flurry of worry whips up, I will re-ground...feel the earth underfoot, the chair under my butt, the air in my lungs and remember that here, now, in this moment, the only moment we ever really have, everything is okay. I may have to reread this 20 times today. MK

Sonoma Yoga Day

Great things can happen when you allow space and time, when you pause, when you breathe, when you share, when you try something new. Today we did just that. This is a beginning, we'll see where it takes us. For my part, I'm committing in print to telling myself and the world a new story and to exploring every way possible to make it a positive, uplifting, honest tale, and to try at least one new thing every day. I think it was an especially great yoga day, especially considering no actual yoga occurred. MK