Sunday, October 23, 2011
My kind of Cowboy
Friday, August 13, 2010
Two negatives don't make a positive
Some days the negative spin can be relentless. This whole day has been an exercise in just trying to glimpse a positive outlook for a moment at a time. I am officially unemployed. This is not a surprise, and I know it is as much an opportunity as a challenge, but today as it has really sunk in, I am slogging through time in a thick, dark fog. A major retelling of the story is at hand. I have read memoirs of people who have completely reinvented themselves or their lives after far bigger and far more devastating life changes. I get that this is not one of those. Intellectually, of course I know everything works out; but viscerally, today at least, it feels grim. Again, I suppose the lesson is that nothing is all or nothing. I have to remember from minute to minute that embracing the positive takes practice, at least as much practice as I've already devoted to plowing huge crop circles of negative thought patterns. It doesn't have to all be worked out today, it just has to be worked on, worked at, made to work, for today. The trick is to figure out how to shift out of fear into forward, one little step at a time. That's good enough for now. MK
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Driving force
Crossroads and driving are themes around here. Sam is learning to drive. It’s a major passage of parenting, and I realize we are now teaching him how to leave. I’m trying not to give too much attention to the fact that he shows more enthusiasm for the leaving skills than anything we’ve ever tried to teach him so far. But I can’t help notice the contrast, for Sam, driving isn’t one of life’s fulcrums, it’s not a crossroads, it’s pure trajectory. There’s less than three years to launch and I feel the pressure to teach him everything he needs to know, which I know isn’t possible, or even likely, we learn most of life’s lessons on our own. He’s heading toward 16 and he tells me the truth. My words of wisdom are generally the kiss of death to his psyche. He is, as ever, as much the teacher as the student, passenger and now driver, and like all teenagers, I imagine, as much frustrating as inspiring. I could never explain to him how the juxtaposition of our lives’ paths sharpens the focus of everything for me. How raising someone places you at once in the past, present and future. How in so many ways I see him beginning to make ripples on the pond. He’s starting to live in ever expanding concentric circles. It’s the flow. It’s a beginning of beginnings. It’s as it should be. MK
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Every little thing you do
This afternoon when my son and husband asked, what's for dinner tonight, I said, "I don't know, I haven't been to the market yet." They looked confused, and no wonder, this is so different for me, Today, when it comes to dinner at least, we begin anew. I've had a small epiphany that will probably mean very little to anyone else. Usually when it's time to grocery shop, I start nagging and cajoling everyone to help me think of meals. What do you feel like having? What sounds good? Think of something, I'm tapped out! The epiphany came to me on a particularly desperate evening. I've been doing this dinner thing exactly backwards. Instead of trying to conjure up something to cook, how about going to the market and/or the farm stand seeing what looks good, and simply cook that. Cook in season. I know, it's certainly not a new concept, and it's essentially what good cooks, great chefs and health conscious eaters have done all along, but I've only trifled with the idea. I've never abandoned all planning and recipes and lists and simply gone to see what there is to be had. And why not? The thought of entering the grocery store without an ironclad list is a source of great fear and loathing for me. It's such domestic drudgery constantly having to shop for food, put the food away, cook the food, clean up after the food and plan the next episode of food. Ack! Going at it without a solid plan may lead to aimless, brain dead wandering in a giant store with an overwhelming array of choices--just more time wasted on the food. No wonder the joy has gone out of cooking. But what if it wasn't like that? That's the question I'm always asking these days. How could it (or anything) be different. Hardship or delight? Ordeal or adventure? It's a choice. In the midst of contemplating this change of perspective, Mary Ann called and told me about two recent trips she made to her farmers market. The first she undertook in a hassle-haired, beset frame of mind and ended up scouring through the stands, clutching her bag in folded arms, reticent and just unable to interact with the vendors for whatever reason that day. Needless to say, it was a bust. The next time though, she purposely set out with an open and inquisitive intent and, poof, the drudgery was transformed to delight. What had been a challenging chore, this time turned into a rich and enjoyable experience. So tonight, I shopped for food as though it was a fun escapade. No preconceived notions, no angst, no list. The colors, textures and aromas in my market basket were beautiful: bright green organic broccoli, yellow and white bicolor corn, orange, red and yellow mini peppers, a fragrant Dulcinea melon, smooth little yukon golds, and a deep cassis-colored local zinfandel.The epiphany is really this: there isn't enough life left to waste it resenting our daily repetitive tasks. Bon Appetite! MK
Go with the flow...
My Brezny's astrology comes to me via email every week. Today I realized how much it actually grounds me. Something about getting this email that makes me stop, read, relax and enjoy. This is so, even in the most hectic of weeks. What is it about this weekly mini-ritual that works? The surprise factor, the fact that his horoscopes have some sort of lesson. This week it is about going with the flow but he asks which flow and tells me he thinks the flow I need to go with is deep underground away from all the madness and noise. Not the flow of the childhood upbringing or the flow of other's expectations. It really made sense to me at a time when I am searching for a place all my own, my rhythm, my way. Yoga is in a way that rhythm for me. I am going with that flow...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
What comes first, the happiness or the haircut?
Lately, my non-blog writing has focused on my current and particular sense of place. My place for the past 24 years has been wine country. Well, the other wine country actually. Sonoma County: less than 50 miles from the Golden Gate Bridge and home to vineyards, beaches, the Russian River, dairies, old hippies, farmers, horses, historic houses, young urban refugees, geodesic domes and some of the most beautiful views on the planet. Some days it seems that around every corner is a postcard view of an impressionist’s vineyard or a Currier and Ives farm scene.
But really, it’s the people who make a place. Recently I’ve been collecting impressions of the characters who populate our local scene. It’s helped me realize how at-home I feel here. I recognize people everywhere I go in this not-so-big town. Some of them I really know as great friends, some are longtime acquaintances and others are just people who regularly share the same haunts. This, I am happy to say, is the kind of place where people nod and smile as they pass just because we recognize each other, even though we’ve never met. I can’t think of how long it took to feel this way, this connected to this place, but I know it took a long while. For years I went to work, came home, found something interesting to do on the weekends, but never really felt at home anywhere. Then there were the sleep-deprived years of raising a child when some days I was lucky to remember where I was headed, let alone what I meant to do when I got there or whom I had passed along the way. Maybe it’s just age or familiarity that makes me look around now and appreciate everything and everyone around me so much more, or maybe it’s just a change in perspective. I hope it’s not a sign of early onset dementia or some crazy middle-aged potentially purple hat-wearing syndrome, but lately, I am more and more willing to greet the day with childish enthusiasm. Along with that shift has come this new appreciation and even compassion for “my people.”